To all dogs:
This is the time of the year when people often visit the families that you love and protect. You might want to post these rules on the front door so there is no misunderstanding.
You are welcome to visit my house as long as you abide by the rules...
- Do not expect that they will put me outside during your visit.
- My house. My fur. My dander. If you have allergies, take a pill or stay home.
- If you don’t want hair on your clothes, don’t sit on the “fur”-niture.
- My ears and tail are not toys for your children.
- Anything dropped on the floor is mine after 1 second.
- During dinner I will lie quietly under the chair of the messiest eater.
- Please feel free to drink lots of beer. Drunks drop more food.
- That thing where you pretend to throw something and then hide it behind your back…not funny.
- The spot in front of the door is reserved for me. Walk around.
- When it comes to protecting my family against outsiders, I have no sense of humor. You are an outsider. Keep that in mind.
While you are here I am not supposed to
Jump up and lick your face
Use your lap for a towel
Eat grass and barf
Sniff your crotch
Hunch your leg
Lick my balls
Please keep in mind my sacrifices and obey the rules.