I am living with serial killers

                                                                     Confession #796808

Do you understand the seriousness of these charges?
Yes

Would you acknowledge for the record that what you are about to say is given of your own volition without coercion?
Yes

Do you want an attorney present?
No

I know this is difficult for you to talk about, but when did these killings begin?
It all started last spring when Charlie, the Guinea hen, moved out of our yard to find her own flock. After she was gone, a whole lot of magpies moved in to finish the food in her feeder and on the ground. Magpies are large black and white birds that are totally loud and obnoxious. They were walking around the yard, squawking, all arrogant.

The dogs and I were outside and I looked up just in time to see the dogs body slam one of the magpies to the ground and then…chomp, chomp…and one of the birds lay…dead.

Chomp, chomp?
Little Timmy, my tiny silver Poodle stud muffin, my dog with no sense of humor, negative prey drive. He doesn’t even like to get his paws wet.

He delivered the fatal chomps to the bird?
Yes. Now we call him “The Silver Assassin” and “The Jaws of Death.”

And then what happened?
He brought it to me.

How did you feel about that?
I was horrified. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Then I started laughing. He looked just like an airplane, a tiny fuzzy silver airplane with a frou-frou tail and long black and white wings skimming across the lawn, all proud of himself.

You thought that was funny?
Yes,… but still horrible.

Don’t you think that borders on black humor?
Yes.

What did you do then?
I admonished them soundly and explained that this behavior was not acceptable. They seemed to understand.

Tell me about this dog pack.
They’re just little house dogs, companion animals, Poodles and mixed breeds, sweet dispositions, well behaved, low predator drives, good verbal skills. All four of them together don’t weigh 60 pounds.

But when Charlie was here they kind of melded into a real guard dog pack.

This “Charlie” was another dog?
No, Charlie was a young Guinea hen, but she thought she was a dog until she laid her first egg.

A Guinea hen, isn’t that something like a chicken?
Yes. We called her Psycho Chicken at first.

And she thought she was a dog?
Yes. She was like part of the dog pack. She would squawk from the tree like a sentry and the dogs would prowl the yard to protect us from invaders. We have a six-foot redwood fence around the yard. They learned to be a guard dog pack that way.

These “invaders” were birds?
No, mostly cats or a person walking down the alley. There were no other birds in the yard when Charlie lived here.

I’m getting confused. Can we get back on topic?
Yes.

Were there more instances of this carnage in your backyard?
Yes

How many?
I don’t recall.

More than five?
Maybe.

More than ten?
I don’t recall

When was the next time?
A few days later. I heard some squawks in the yard and when I got out there, a dead magpie was lying on the ground with the dogs standing around it.

And what did you do?
I yelled at them. I made it very clear that if this behavior continued, there would be severe consequences.

What consequences did you have in mind?
I didn’t have a clue.

Did you try to punish them?
Like what? Take away their Game Boys? They’re dogs.

Were the deceased all magpies?
Mostly, but then they switched to blue jays sometime during the summer.

Do you keep a birdbath, feeder, anything that would lure the birds into your yard?
No

Why didn’t you stay out in the yard and stop this from happening?
It didn’t matter. Once I was outside stripping paint off a garage sale bookcase. When I heard a squawk and looked up, they had sent yet another bird to the Great Aviary in the Sky. Another time the deed was done around the corner where I couldn’t see them.

Why don’t you keep them in the house?
I guess I could, but they keep begging to go outside. They enjoy patrolling the yard. They whine and scratch at the door. They turn in circles. They do little wee wee dances. They need to go out for, you know, business purposes. We go for dog walks and runs, but they still want to protect their yard.

Besides they have tags that jingle and I even put bells on them. So I thought the stupid birds would spread the word and finally learn to stay away from them. We would go for a long time without spilling blood…but then…

Chomp, chomp?
Yes

And tell me what happened today?
I was in the house and I heard the familiar squawking that I have come to dread. When I went out the dogs were standing around the patio. They looked at me all innocent, like, “What?”

Then one of them looked over at the little well where the water pipe for the faucet comes up and…

You checked the well?
Yes

And what did you find there?
There were feathers attached to a bird that showed no life signs.

What did you do?
I asked what happened to the bird.

“Cardiac.”
“Suicide.”
“The circle of life.”
“Bird, what bird?”

You didn’t believe them?
No.

So your dogs are not only murdering but now they are hiding the bodies?
Yes

All right. I know this has been difficult. I’m sure you feel better making this confession, but I’m afraid I will have to send in a report. You live in…uh, it says here Malaysia. Is that right?
Uh…Yes.

Thank you for your time, Miss, uh…Miss Doe. I think we have all the information we need. Someone will be contacting you soon.

 

Comments

[Chandira]

Oh noo!! Shara's still only up to 2 this summer, thankfully. She eats all the evidence, except feathers. No body to be found.. Maybe she hid it under the desk. I did look ALL over.

[rosemary]

Hello, my name is rosemary doe. I live in Malaysia as well...maybe we are related. I have a cat named Fuzzie. He goes outside in a play pen. It used to be 4 sided but I folded it into 3 and put it up against the slider so he could go in and out. In the summer water dripped from the roof above the pen and pooled inside. Pine Siskins would hop in between the folded sections to drink the water knowing full well the cat was in the pen. Fuzz caught a whole lot of birds for me...we put a water bowl outside the pen so the stupid birds would not go into the pen. They didn't get it. I figure your dogs and my cat are doing a service....not sure what kind but a service anyway. They should get cookies all of them.

[Kelleigh]

Hi Jan, hope you're not in trouble with the law over this incident. They won't charge you with being an accomplice I hope! Thank you for a throughly delighful and entertaining read- I can picture your little Timmy and the rest of your brood acting innocent-like and proud of their 'acheivement'. I wish I had something clever to say but words fail me this morning! Our dogs have a fear of policemen. We threaten 'a ride in the paddy wagon' for naughty behaviour. I have a feeling such a threat would not impress your guys.

[Sharon Lynne]

I will never look at a poodle the same way again. You never know what's going on inside their innocent looking heads!

A fun post!

[Gina]

I wondered if they would keep their guard dog routine after Charlie left. I guess once a dog tastes power, it can never go back to being a wimp dog.

[Lonie Polony]

I remember screaming and crying with horror, running in to my mum when one of my dogs started chasing a bird with a murderous gleam in his eye. Coincidentally, that was in Malaysia. No, really.

[Simply Jenn]

Hilarious! At least they never ate Charlie.

[Matt]

That was a fun read. My dogs went after a mouse the other day, so at least I know if I get one in my house, I won't need a cat.

[jackie]

bush did it

[Denny]

Fantastic! Very funny! This is truly a great read and this story is typical of the reason that I read this blog. You can check the stats, I check for new stories probably three times every day.

[threecollie]

I am absolutely astonished! That is an amazing dog.

[Therese]

Phew...good thing you live in Malaysia. Hopefully the authorities will leave you and your dogs "with good verbal skills" alone!

[Sling]

Serial Magpie murderers!...Oh,that's funny! :)

[Mad goat lady]

Too funny..I'm sure it wasn't the dogs fault...it never is LOL

[schnoodlepooh]

OMDog. we're horrified.

(secretly, we have been stalking those parrots for 4 years now...)

[Julie]

Little Timmy will have to plead "Not guilty" because of genetics. Poodles were originally hunting dogs, so Timmy can't help himself. I think a good attorney would get him off if he's ever charged.

[Coll]

I can so relate to your distress. This spring, my darling little Shih Tzu, Coco, unexpectedly cornered a bunny rabbit in our yard. The memory of the flurry that erupted still causes me to shudder. My sweet little Coco actually shook the little bunny. The bunny managed to get away but I will be forever haunted by the memory of that primitive look in my sweet Coco's eyes and the tiny spot of blood on his chin. This has been our very dark secret up until now. Thank goodness we can finally fess up.
p.s. Coincidently .. we also live in Malaysia.

[Kahshe Cottager aka Jen]

Do you remember the "I feel like chicken tonight" commercial on TV several years ago? I swear my Shih Tzu would dance around the cockatiel's cage singing that!

[Charlie dog (the so called poodle terrorist)]

I just love to chase the birds and being a rough, tough kinda poodle any other animal that moves as well. Us Poodles are built for speed and agility, and will prove it any chance we get.

Good going chaps!!!!!!!!!

Woofs

Charlie boy

[Marion]

This was just great! Really well done and very entertaining, Jan.

It's so funny that the dogs are now hiding their murderous deeds...in Malaysia!

[Jimmy]

That is one of the best posts, I've ever read! What happens in Malaysia stays in Malaysia!!!LOL!!!

[Carol]

Good grief, if it was the Frenchies, I'd be looking out to see them being pursued across the yard a la Alfred Hitchcock.

Magpies are annoying. Good doggies!

[Janey Loree]

Now I KNOW what happened in Malaysia! Very good writing Jan!! I laughed til I was doing the wee wee dance!!!

[Tony]

sweet disposition, well behaved, low predator drive.
Is this the same magpie killing stud muffin you're talking about here????
I couldn't imagine a tiny little poodle taking out a big bad magpie. Just goes to show that it's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog